Hello all! And welcome back to my blog; from one Crowned Soul to another. Today, I want to let you in on something I have been feeling lately… I have been struggling. Like struggling to talk, open up and most importantly pray… out loud. It felt like trying to explain slang to a foreigner. I became so tongue-tied, my mind would go blank and out came no sound. I want to explain how I feel, but I kept stumbling and mumbling… saying all the wrong things and end up rambling for the next 10 minutes, never really getting to the point I wanted to make in the first place. Imagine trying to find your shoes or pen in the middle of the night, your hand constantly patting the ground, hesitant before every move – that was me, trying to find the word to complete my sentence.
But one question kept repeating itself in my head? Why am I so afraid of being real? (you’re the same right)
Thing is, my mind always had a comeback! “It’s not who you are, you’re comfortable not saying anything, do you really want everyone to hear you stumble on your words? Are they even listening? Do you want them to hear your heart racing, at a thousand miles per hour or the fact that you are holding your breath?” And what do I do… I fall for it. Every time, like it had some sort of hold on me. I trip, like I’m about to be blackmailed… this was not the life I had in mind. This was not how life or a relationship with God was meant to be.
For the longest time, I have been brought up to pray a certain way, talk a certain way, fix up and make sure no one knows what I’ve been through or had to battle and if I did all those things and more, then God would hear me. That He will only help those who help themselves, but Romans 8:26-28 says different.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:26-28
I’ve grown to learn that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf, holding my hand through every wordless sigh, aching groan and watery plea. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know exactly what to say, how to polish it like my favourite pastor or best friend. He doesn’t want me or you to hide your scars, smooth the edges, have the best written prayer known to mankind or perfect it like you’re doing a rehearsal. He wants you to be real, raw and genuine with Him. He wants your tears, your mumbles and every hiccup that comes out in-between.
And all you have to do; is come as you are with no holding back.
So, even when your words are not comprehensible, interrupted by hiccups
Your writing illegible, smudged by your tears.
He still finds the beauty, in your broken prayers.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for the Holy Spirit who resides in me all time, never failing or hesitating to hear my every word and silent cry. Today, I choose to come to you, as I am, withholding nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.