This post is a little different from what I usually write; neither completely a devotional nor a journal entry but in some cases a mixture of both and my hearts thoughts that helped me get my stuck words out…and this is what they had to say:
Where does my help come from?
How do I wake up each day with continued hope knowing fully well that the days leading up to my due date is decreasing? Each number falling as the time ticks.
Double digits losing their partners in this dance called a countdown.
How do I lift my head and my eyes when the numbers are against me?
When each job that I have applied for seems more difficult than the last.
I am left out to dry after each application sent.
Hope tossed away with each rejected or unanswered email.
Each waiting time, stretching, constantly testing my patience and hope in you who will come when I need it most… but don’t I need help now?
You know how hard it is for me to reach out and admit that I am at an all-time low.
How can my boyfriend ask me what I mean by that?
Asking for information that I hold so dearly to my heart.
Something that only you and sister-friend know.
Not even my parents.
Couldn’t this have been prevented?
Couldn’t there have been another way?
Because now I feel like my back is against the wall.
Now I feel as though I have been left out in the desert to fend for myself.
My feelings and breathing are all up in the air.
Hoping you would catch me before I fall.
Before I hand it all away.
Where does my help come from?
I know your promises never fail or return to you void.
I also know that all things work together for my good.
But my mind doesn’t seem to want to understand or make sense of any of it.
Yet, in this journey of mine, I’ve been given new Bible verses to hold on to;
Proverbs 23:18 “You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed.”
Philippians 4:19 “And my God will liberally supply (fill until full) your every need according to His riches in glory”
Zechariah 10:11 “And they will pass through the sea of distress and anxiety (with the Lord leading His people, as at the Red Sea)”
And my favourite;
Lamentations 3:22-23 “The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease… his mercies begin afresh each morning.”
And somehow as I write this, a flood comes over me and I no longer feel exhausted or have thoughts running miles in my head.
A hand touches my shoulder and I breathe out a sigh of relief. Feeling my muscles untense and that sudden urge subside.
I write this for the girl who is stuck, endlessly worrying about what tomorrow would bring, whether she is making the right choice by walking this path. This is also for the girl left pondering “But… why this path?”, “Why couldn’t mine be easier?”
Let my story of struggle to peace be of encouragement to you.
My Father, the Prince of Prince comforts me every time.
Especially when I ask Him and say how much I need him right now
Or when I repeat his promises over me as I try to believe those words after they escape my lips.
He sees you…
And He sees me.
Nothing shocks Him or makes Him wonder why He picked us for this path.
So, when you find yourself asking “Where are you Lord?”, “Where does my help come from?”
Remember the answer given in Psalm 121:2, “My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!”