When I started to write this, I didn’t know quite what to call it yet and I definitely don’t know what this feeling is, but I will try my best to explain.
Growing up, I didn’t ask for much and don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I couldn’t, I just got used to hearing no, that I didn’t want to push further or overstep, which thinking about it now clearly explains why now I’m very inquisitive or wouldn’t hold myself back too much if I wanted to press on.
Recently, I finally took the step to apply for a personal styling internship programme with a reputable international company 2 weeks from writing this. As a Christian, we are meant to ignite our faith and hope even in the little things, but I hadn’t heard back, and I was kind of counting on this as it was the deciding factor on whether I move cities or not. Talking with my sister-friend made me realise that I hadn’t fully prayed for what I wanted. Honestly, I was scared of admitting that I really wanted this opportunity… not only because I was making up for all the other opportunities I had turned down or walked away from, but because deep down I feared that as soon as I admitted this was what I wanted… I wouldn’t get it.
Was it because I didn’t think I was worth it? Or that I couldn’t believe enough for myself? Or the fact that gaining this internship would truly confirm for me a word I thought God had spoken over my life? Or maybe the real question is, am I afraid to fully believe in it knowing that it would require me to step further away from my comfort zone?
All these questions left me even more uneasy and uncertain of the outcome, but I chose to adhere to my friend’s advice; sit down and honestly lay my heart down in front of my Father – Doubts, fears, desires and all, trusting that whatever the outcome is, would be for my good regardless (Romans 8:28). I won’t lie and say it’s easy. Some days when I woke up early, I would check my phone at 8/8:30 to see if I received an email from the company… but all I got was emails reminding me of sales, saves on Pinterest and YouTube notifications. Nothing that I really wanted to see or had anticipated.
I know what I am waiting and hoping on may not be that big and maybe you are waiting to start a new job, but it seems like every application returns back to you with bad news, or for years you’ve been trying for a visa or something and the wait has been much longer than mine. I’m here to tell you, please don’t let go. Please don’t rush into something else because at the time it seems more appealing or a quick fix, because neither would quench you.
As I drafted most of this post and got ready for bed, my devotional at the time spoke exactly to me and how waiting could be God’s way of calling you to rest in this season. In Mark 6, a miraculous story was waiting to go down; one of divided fish and a multitude of bread loaves but as characters in a story, they were unaware of this and at first, had to rest even though their situation required a miracle to happen… and fast! (Mark 6:30-31) But of course, there are days where it doesn’t always happen like this. The waiting for a miracle leaves you impatient and silly in front of the people you told. Psalm 37:3-7 should do the trick! However, other times we’re told to wait because there’s literally nothing more we could physically do at this moment in time but… to rest and cling to His faithfulness.
If you have been feeling like me, tested, pulled and tired all in the name of waiting for a miracle, an answer to your prayer or a manifestation of a desire you poured out to Him, choose today to rest in Him. And when in doubt, remember the words of Charles Spurgeon, “Time is nothing to Him; let it be nothing to thee.”
Right now, in this very season,A Crowned Soul
Choose to wait for Him, fall on Him;
The creator and author of your story.
For although this chapter
Is long and seems like it’s stuck on replay
There is a new hope, a new land and a new chapter
Waiting for you.
But for now, take heart, rest up and hold on.